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What to Say to Someone Who is Dying

It can be difficult to know what to say to someone who is dying. Whether it's a friend, family member or acquaintance, finding the right words to provide comfort and support can be challenging. This article explores what to say to someone who is dying, including specific advice for those who are dying of cancer, afraid of dying, or in hospice care.

What to say when visiting a dying person

When it comes to comforting the dying, it's important to approach the situation with empathy and sensitivity. First and foremost, let the person know that they are not alone and that you are there to support them through this difficult time. Reassure them that it's okay to express their fears and concerns, and that you are there to listen and provide emotional support. Try to use clear and direct language when discussing their condition and prognosis, and avoid using euphemisms or vague language as this can feel as though you’re not acknowledging their actual experience. It's also important to respect their wishes and boundaries – which may even mean them saying “I’m not comfortable talking about this with you.”

If you know someone who is dying soon, it can be particularly challenging to know what to say. Remember to express your love and appreciation for the person, and to let them know how much they mean to you. Offer comfort and support, and remind them that they are not alone. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings if they wish, and be sure to listen actively and without judgment. If appropriate, offer to help with practical tasks or to simply spend time with them. Above all, simply being there for them in their time of need can be a great comfort.

What not to say to someone who is dying

Something of equal importance is to recognize what not to say to someone who is dying. When racking your brain for ideas on what to say when visiting a dying person or interacting with someone who is dying, you may land on something that can trigger feelings of hurt. Try to avoid these common mistakes when you’re searching for what to say to someone who is dying, whether they be in hospice, dealing with terminal cancer, or dying from another ailment:

• Avoid making empty promises or claiming you can minimize their pain or discomfort.
• Try not to offer false hope as this can be more harmful than helpful.
• Refrain from giving unsolicited advice or sharing stories of others who have experienced similar situations, especially if you’re doing it in a way that suggests if they just follow your advice, they can get better.
• Avoid asking the person about their plans or what they will do in the future once they’re “better”.
• Try not to use language that’s condescending or patronizing, even if they’re in a weakened state.
• Avoid making judgments or moralizing about their choices or lifestyle, even if you feel their choices have led them to their current state.

If you’re worried you might say something untoward or hurtful, sometimes the best answer to “What do you say to someone who is dying?” is to say very little. You can spend time with them, be in their presence, and simply listen.

What to say to someone with terminal cancer

What happens if someone just told you they have terminal cancer? What do you even say to someone who is dying of cancer? The answer to these questions will range from person to person depending on their relationship, their experiences, their religion, and a multitude of factors. If you’ve never had to consider what a dying person wants to hear from a loved one, here are some general ways you can address this extremely difficult diagnosis and be there to support them in just a few words:

• "I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Please know that I'm here to support you in any way that I can."
• "I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now, but please know that you're not alone. I'm here for you."
• "I know this is difficult news to process, but I want you to know that you are loved and valued. You are not defined by this diagnosis."
• "I will do whatever it takes to help make your remaining time as comfortable and meaningful as possible."
• "It's okay to feel scared or overwhelmed. You don't have to go through this alone. I'm here for you, no matter what."
• "I want you to know that I am grateful for the time we've had together and for the memories we've shared. You have made a positive impact on my life."
• "I may not have all the right words to say, but I promise to be here to listen, support, and comfort you through this journey."

These are excellent examples of comforting words for those who are terminally ill as they acknowledge the difficulty of the experience, express your support and show that you’re ready to weather this difficult time together.

What to write to a dying friend, family member, or loved one

There are many cases where you may need or prefer to write to someone who is dying in lieu of (or in addition to) visiting them in person. Writing gives you the opportunity to take time with your words and to carefully consider what exactly it is you’d like to say. It also gives the person you’re writing to the ability to reflect on your words for as long as they have your letter or note. This can be a powerful reminder of support and a comfort to someone who is terminally ill when they’re feeling particularly low.

At the same time, it can be difficult to know what to write to someone who is dying. It can help to follow the same advice you’d follow when speaking to a dying person, but you also have the opportunity to say and express a lot more in a card than you might have if you were visiting someone in person. Here are four short examples of what to write to someone who is dying.

• "[Name], I wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. You are a strong and courageous person, and I admire your resilience. Please know that I am here for you in any way that I can be."
• "Dear [Name], I want to express my love and appreciation for you. You have touched the lives of so many people, including mine. I am grateful for the memories we've shared and the time we've had together. Please know that you will always hold a special place in my heart."
• "[Name], I may not have all the right words to say, but I want you to know that I care about you deeply. You have shown incredible strength and grace throughout your illness, and I admire your courage. Please know that I am here for you, now and always."
• "Dear [Name], I know that this is a difficult time for you and your loved ones. I want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending you love and positive energy. You are not alone, and there are people who care about you deeply. Please know that I am here to support you in any way that I can be."

Whether you’re unsure of what to write to someone who is dying of cancer, in hospice, or has been diagnosed with another terminal illness, you can use these examples and edit them to match your situation.

Are there certain things you shouldn’t write in a card to a terminally ill person?

There are certain things you should avoid writing in a card to a terminally ill person, as they may be hurtful or insensitive. Here are a few examples:

• Avoid using clichés or platitudes such as "everything happens for a reason" or "at least you lived a good life." While these may be intended to offer comfort, they can come across as dismissive or minimizing of the person's experience.
• Do not make assumptions about the person's beliefs or values. While religious or spiritual sentiments may be comforting for some people, they can be inappropriate or even offensive for others.
• Avoid signing the card with phrases like “Get well soon” or “Hope you’re feeling better”. Phrases like these, while typically sent to folks who aren’t feeling well, aren’t taking someone’s realistic condition into account and can be hurtful to someone with a terminal illness.
• Try to avoid picking a card that seems too playful or sarcastic. Even if you typically have a playful relationship with someone, sometimes unexpected sincere and empathetic words can be a great comfort for a dying friend or loved one. You can add a little humor, but try to be extra sensitive to what they may be going through and their tolerance for levity.

Ultimately, when writing a card to a terminally ill person, it is important to approach the situation with sensitivity and empathy, and to let them know that they are loved and supported.

Finding the right words for a dying friend or loved one can be a daunting task. It is natural to feel unsure about what to say, especially when someone is on their deathbed. However, by approaching the situation with empathy, sensitivity, and a willingness to listen, you can offer comfort and support to those who are facing the end of their life. Whether you offer words of encouragement, share cherished memories, or simply hold a hand in silence, your presence and support can make a world of difference.